Deep Thoughts! ha ha

OK, so I've now discovered a new addiction.... one that will not result in enormous weight gain, (unless I don't find a way to break away from the bag of chips I currently have sitting beside me at the computer), an addiction that does not make me lose my mind or stability, and addiction that will not warrant taking a loan to support...rather I'm now addicted to staying on this thing! The problem is there is no instant feedback. Heck, I'm still awaiting a text response from Ryan. I don't even know that I've set this thing up to accept comments or whatever you call them. Oh I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now, but I'm trying my hand at blogging. I mean, for as long as I've been a "blogger", ( 5 hours) I have found myself thinking more about the details of my life and days. As I was rocking Gaines to sleep, I was thinking about how blessed I am to be a mom! A MOM! I mean, that is a huge responsibility. I spend the better part of my days worried about when and how I'm going to leave this fine world we live in and I should totally be devoted to living out this life God has so purposefully given me. Which, ironically is the exact same line mom has been telling me for years! Funny how a simple message to who knows who (if anybody) has brought upon some sort of revelation! I guess in my heart of hearts I know how lucky I am. I am truly surrounded with wonderful, loving friends and family near and far and yet I cannot seem to break away from the negative thoughts. Even at this moment, my sweet Gralynn is making me beautiful by brushing my hair "gently, so she doesn't hurt mommy". This child who, watches me and loves me unconditionally, models my every move and comment and I want to show her the joy in life, not the crazy side of fear!
The past few weeks I have received letters from my students of last year telling me how they are and that I meant something special to them. Students who I knew thought I was funny, but I never thought I had any connection with. Students who I couldn't wait to get away from because they were too loud or too whiney. And now, a year later they remember me as being not only entertaining, but being the teacher who cared about them. Just when you think you suck at being you, the people around you bring back to reality. I'm not bragging, just realizing that the people we come in contact with mean something special and we to them.