Robbed of Joy

I had a conversation with my best friend tonight about feeling joy and being guarded. There was much more to the conversation, but that was the topic that got me to thinking about my life, (which these thoughts tend to come about while rocking Gaines to sleep). Out of my group of friends, I have typically been the one who they came to for advice. That happens to crack me up looking back b/c of all of us I am the most sarcastic, pessimistc one of all. As it were, back in high school and college before problems became "real", I was the go-to person. Now, not so much! But I digress. What I realized is that the only person in my life who probably really believes I truly love and care about them is my best friend. She's also probably the only one I've really never treated like crap! Hummm, I wonder if that has something to do with it :0) Anyway, I think that while I have spent most of my life being guarded and pissed off, I have totally missed out on the joy that comes with letting me people you know you care. The other, more psychotic reason I think I have done this is due my fear brain. The one that convinces me that when something good happens, or I experience happiness that something is bound to go wrong. Like even writing this here and now, on the verge of trying to make amends, I have this fear that when I right all my wrongs that then I will die. As if it's a game. Like God is going to hold off on taking me as long I continue to have a hardened heart and treat people like crap! So crazy, I know in my heart, but my issue with death keeps me from making the amends I have so long needed to!
Take my sister for example. I have spent my whole life concinving her that I hate her b/c in my eyes she's perfect and I will never measure up. I do not think that she has ever told me that I am beneath her. I just decided that for myself. So rather than allowing her to uphold me and inspire me to better myself, I have resented her for being more like the girl I would have wanted to be. And of course, I am too prideful to have this conversation with her..she probably wouldn't believe me anyway, but I've not reached out b/c I thought that if I ever did that would be one of my "things" to do before I die. I don't expect anyone to understand this and if I really wrote out a list of wrongs to make right before I die, it would go far beyond a heart-to-heart with my sister! The point is, while being guarded, I robbed myself and my sister of an opportunity to have a really close relationship. And now she's all the way around the world and I'm here.
I think it just comes down to realizing that we are who we are and I'll always have this crazy way of thinking and awful nose! But that's no reason to hold off doing things and saying the things that matter to those we love.
So back to the conversation with Cara... it's hard to live worry free and pretend that things are ok. But it's harder to pretend that you hate people or don't enjoy the blessings we have because we're worried about things that are totally out of our control.
I see people who are truly happy-- not b/c they are beautiful or rich or talented, although I'm sure that helps! But people who are at peace with who they are and the life they are leading. That is the testimony that reminds me that faith is really the only saving grace and accepting who we are in Christ makes us whole, makes us lovable and able to love, and helps us endure the things that bring us down. So will I call my sister or write to her directly to let her know that I love and miss her? Probably not. I can get deep and emotional with friends, but with family, I just become a snotty, wet-faced babbling drama queen. No, we're both stubborn about this. But I know she would have wanted a close relationship with me and I think she knows that I really do love her. She goes right up there with the letters I've started to my dad and to my brother and to all the other people I have let assume are unimportant to me.
I'm going to try to let down my stupid guard and enjoy the people in my life.